- Why Waiting Hurts: The Emotional Cost of Uncertainty in Relationships
- What the Research Says about Dealing With Relationship Stability Risks
- Should I Stay With a Partner Who Has …?
- Dating Someone With Relationship Stressors: Hot Takes to Consider
- How to Handle Uncertainty in Relationships When It Becomes Too Much
- Are You Dating in Disguise?
- The Choice Is Yours
I never thought I’d end up dating someone with a burden.
Though he still went home to a wife nightly, eventually, the divorce papers were signed. Afterward, we felt freer, but I never heard the words “commitment” or “girlfriend.” I’d ask where we stood. His answers changed as often as the weather: “I don’t love you” or “I have feelings for you, but don’t feel love.”
Friends told me they’d seen him with other women; these women were “just friends” and I was “his special friend.” Each account chipped away at me. I wanted to believe him, but something didn’t feel right.
As I wrestled with my feelings, I didn’t need every piece of the puzzle to see the full picture. I’d seen enough to know we should split.
But asking myself one question — before I entered the relationship — could have spared me years of disappointment.
Dating a married person and other issues like these are sometimes called “capacity constraints” or “dating someone with a burden”:
- active addiction
- a chronic or terminal illness
- a location or lifestyle difference
But the concept applies to any situation that causes uncertainty in relationships, which fosters doubts.
We can fall for someone with relationship constraints for many reasons. Choosing a partner with a major limitation can be an unconscious safety mechanism.
If one is married, emotionally unavailable, or physically distant, true intimacy, which can feel terrifying for both partners, is impossible. It lets them each play the role of a committed partner without risking total vulnerability.
Living with these limits calls for compromise. They aren’t always dealbreakers, but they require an honest look at your long-term capacity to cope. How much can you adapt? Being honest with yourself is part of authenticity in dating and relationships.
This blog will cover:
- Some of the most common scenarios that create uncertainty in relationships
- What research says about why we struggle with it
- How to decide if you can handle relationship constraints over time or must walk away
Early in dating, this data can help you screen partners. If you’re already attached, it can aid you in rethinking your bandwidth. And if the issue is severe, later, this blog includes guidance on getting support.
This blog doesn’t offer any diagnoses or moral judgments and is no substitute for medical or legal advice.
Discover if You’re an Authentic Dater – Free Quiz
Why Waiting Hurts: The Emotional Cost of Uncertainty in Relationships
Research suggests ambiguity is hard to tolerate in relationships because it can trigger negative emotions, especially for people who have a high intolerance for uncertainty or attachment insecurity.
- Intolerance of uncertainty is a tendency to react negatively to unclear situations. It’s linked to anxiety, avoidance, and attempts to regain control.
- In relationships, ambiguity can feel especially hard because it keeps people from knowing where they stand, which fuels worry and repeated checking.
Uncertainty in relationships tends to heighten anxiety.
The lack of a clear relationship status, which I felt would have come with a commitment, drained me emotionally. My uncertainty also came from waiting for the change I hoped for. Ultimately, I got the change I needed, but not the change I wanted.
What the Research Says about Dealing With Relationship Stability Risks
Relationship stability risks that don’t involve an illness, like a lifestyle difference or geographical gridlock, can be easier to manage than those that center on a chronic illness or another fixed situation.
The impact of stressors “depend on communication, support, and whether both partners can adapt over time.” Research generally points to viability, not total dealbreakers:
- Some issues are workable because they can be negotiated, supported, or treated, like living far apart or dating someone with herpes.
- Others become unworkable when they create chronic harm, chronic instability, or incompatible life goals (like heroin addiction).
Degrees of workability:
- Workable challenges require adaptation, therapy, or compromise.
- High-burden but survivable challenges are hard, but aren’t automatic disqualifiers.
- Core incompatibilities occur when one or both partners can’t live with the constraint long-term
Long-term vs. short-term: If you stay with the sticky situation over time, your view of it could change.
I was more willing to live with the situation at the start, when I hadn’t fully thought through the long-term effects, but not near the end, when the red lights started flashing.
Examples of the possible long-term effects of different relationship burdens:
- Active addiction: A study of illicit drug use during the early years of marriage found that when one partner used drugs, and the other didn’t, they experienced lower marital satisfaction than other couples. Their satisfaction also declined over time.
- In the study, 21 percent of husbands and 16 percent of wives still used illicit drugs over the first four years of marriage.
- Chronic illness: A German study focused on how spouses adapt their daily lives found four themes:
- Partner(ship) disappears behind the disease
- Partners struggle with changing tasks and roles
- Caring partners mourn the loss of intimacy
- Partners strive to rebalance the relationship
A review of couple-based treatments for chronic illness found they reduced depressive symptoms, marital functioning, and pain.
- Long-distance relationships (LDRs): Research shows that certain communication patterns, like texting, affect satisfaction differently than in geographically closer relationships. It suggests some relationship stability risks are structural problems rather than signs of incompatibility.
- Studies have found that long-distance couples have comparable, and sometimes higher, relationship satisfaction than geographically close couples.
Coping With Relationship Stressors
Research doesn’t give one simple formula for deciding whether major relationship stability risks are worth it, but it suggests you weigh:
- Safety
- Accountability
- Treatment options
- Sustainability
- The risk of ongoing stress
People decide whether to stay based on questions like:
- Is the issue ongoing?
- Is the person with the burden taking responsibility?
- Does the relationship still feel safe and sustainable?
- Is there a realistic plan for coping?
A useful framing from relationship research: a serious stressor raises difficulty, but doesn’t automatically predict failure.
Let’s look at each of the common major relationship stressors or burdens:
- Active addiction: Guidance around addiction tends to focus on whether:
- The person is in active treatment
- The partner is safe, honest, and accountable
- The relationship is becoming emotionally, financially, or physically destructive
People often decide based on whether the addiction is being addressed or keeps eroding trust and relationship stability.
When a couple is dealing with addiction, some people confuse obligation to the relationship with compassion.
While an individual’s addiction or illness may or may not have been their choice, compatibility should not be seen as a moral issue. Research and real-life experiences show that when we fail to recognize our own limitations, we are likely to develop feelings of resentment towards our partner, burnout, and/or experience relationship problems.
Being honest about your boundaries is not the same as abandoning someone. It is focusing on your own mental health and wellbeing instead of making broken commitments.”
- Mental illness: Research and clinical guidance generally distinguish between:
- Managed mental illness
- Untreated or destabilizing mental illness
Many couples can cope when there’s insight, treatment, and mutual support. But the relationship becomes harder when there are repeated crises, boundary problems, or one partner is forced into a caregiving role with no reciprocity.
- Chronic or serious illness: The same broad logic applies, but the question shifts from “Is this being managed?” to “What will this realistically require of me over time?”
When one partner has cancer, the relationship isn’t necessarily at a higher risk of separation or divorce, which suggests a serious illness doesn’t automatically make a relationship unworkable. At the same time, other results show that illness can reshape intimacy, caregiving, and shared expectations.
- Lifestyle differences: They’re usually treated as a compromise issue. The main issue is whether shared goals and routines can be built over time.
- Long-distance relationships: They’re generally a structure and maintenance problem. Research notes that satisfaction can be comparable to geographically close relationships. But success depends on communication, contact patterns, and having a plan.
- Remaining legally married: In this higher-risk, lower-clarity situation, the key issues are trust, legal complications, and whether the person is available for a stable commitment. It’s less straightforward and more fragile.
| Situation | General workability | Main frame | Key factors | Core decision question |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Lifestyle differences | Usually workable | Negotiation, compromise, shared goals | Shared routines, values, finances, travel, location preferences | Can they build a life plan that fits both? |
| Long-distance relationship | Depends | Structure and maintenance | Contact frequency, visits, end date, communication rhythm | Is there a realistic plan to close the distance? |
| Still legally married | Higher caution | Trust and availability risk | Legal status, separation clarity, divorce timeline, emotional availability | Are they actually free and ready for commitment? |
| Chronic or terminal illness | Depends | Caregiving and adaptation | Care burden, treatment impact, grief, capacity over time | Can both partners sustain the changed life? |
| Mental illness | Depends | Treatment, boundaries, accountability | Stability, insight, medication/therapy, relapse risk | Is it being managed in a way that protects both partners? |
| Active addiction | Higher caution | Safety and accountability risk | Treatment, relapse, lying, finances, safety | Is there active recovery and real change? |
Some relationship limitations are negotiable, some are manageable with a plan, and some require caution because the issue affects safety, trust, or long-term availability.
Should I Stay With a Partner Who Has …?
These are some of the questions that appear in Google’s “answer box” after searches on various relationship constraints:
- Should you stay in a relationship with someone who is mentally ill?
- Is it worth dating someone with herpes or another sexually transmitted infection?
Only 50 to 65 percent of people disclose sexually transmitted infections before sex. The number is highest for those in committed relationships (65 percent), and lowest in casual ones (20 percent). Fear of rejection is a top barrier.
- Should I date someone with cancer?
- Is it worth dating someone long distance?
- At what point are lifestyle differences too much?
Answering one question can help you decide if the relationship is right for you:
Do I have the bandwidth for this relationship?
Based on the situation, it can be easier to answer it in the early stages, before you get too deep, but you can ask it at any time.
When the situation is serious, there’s also the potential aftermath to consider, like if you’re waiting for a partner to finalize their divorce or finish rehab.
It’s rarely the emotional end. A recently divorced partner can carry psychological issues, a change of identity, or residual trauma into their next chapter. The aftermath can require as much bandwidth as the crisis.
Also, if one partner has a major mental health condition, an active addiction, or lives far away, the daily logistics will ultimately dictate whether emotional intimacy can survive.
If the “operational cost” bankrupts the emotional budget, the relationship will fold, regardless of how much love is there.
Dating Someone With Relationship Stressors: Hot Takes to Consider
- Issues like living far apart, a long-term illness, or other stability risks can seem manageable at first. But are you ready for the long-term cost?
For me, the uncertainty seemed easier at the start. As more issues cropped up over time, including cheating, the emotional cost became too high for me.
- The traditional view of true love is that you must stand by your partner through thick and thin, no matter the cost.
The classic country song “Stand by Your Man” by Tammy Wynette, released at the height of the feminist movement in 1968, supports this belief. Many see it as a song about devotion and forgiveness.
Another example: when Hillary Clinton stayed married to Bill despite his well-publicized affairs, including one he had with an intern in office.
As she said on “60 Minutes” during his 1992 presidential campaign, “…I’m not sittin’ here, some little woman standing by my man like Tammy Wynette. I’m sittin’ here because I love him and I respect him and I honor what he’s been through and what we’ve been through together.”
Regardless of her reasons, for her, it was the right choice.
- In a relationship with severe stability risks, unconditional love could become a recipe for emotional bankruptcy. Love must be conditional — on safety, transparency, accountability, and reciprocity. Using unconditional love to pressure a partner into staying in a situation that drains your emotional budget is manipulation.
Someone can have an impeccable character, treat you well, and love you deeply — and still be a poor fit long-term because of their circumstances. Leaving a good person because their reality will tax your peace of mind is a valid reason.
The guilt people feel when honestly assessing a relationship with a burdened partner is almost always people-pleasing in disguise — the fear that having limits makes you selfish. I help clients separate two distinct questions: ‘Is this person a good human?’ and ‘Is this relationship workable for me?’
Both can be true simultaneously. Recognizing your limits is an act of self-honesty that ultimately protects both people from a dynamic neither can sustain.”
Walking away from a blameless situation (like a severe illness or an unmanaged mental health condition) because you can’t deal with it is honoring yourself.
In this case, I would encourage the client to confront their feelings of guilt and embrace them. Once the feeling becomes less of an enemy, they can also allow their desire and come to the realization that it is OK to want what they want.”
How to Handle Uncertainty in Relationships When It Becomes Too Much
Sometimes, you can’t tackle a situation alone. That’s a sign that you need help. The good news is that you have options, which include:
- Individual or couples therapy or support groups
- Medical, psychiatric, or addiction support
- Legal advice for separated or married partners
When a major risk threatens a relationship, getting help is being true to yourself. Ignoring the problem or not working through it can stifle who you are and drain you physically and emotionally over time.
Are You Dating in Disguise?
Dating in disguise can take many forms. You can hide something minor, like using dating apps even if you despise them, or something major, like having a sexually-transmitted infection.
But if you keep living the lie, it can become harder to look at yourself in the mirror. You can feel like you’re betraying yourself — and those you care about.
Find out if you’re donning a disguise.
Score each statement on a scale of one to five and get your results today.
The Choice Is Yours
This blog can help you see all sides of dating someone with a burden, and whether to continue.
As events like the COVID-19 pandemic have taught us, uncertainty can be tough to tolerate, especially when it’s ongoing. If you’ve weathered uncertainty before, you can draw on that resilience when you face future trials.
How we react to difficult situations reveals who we are — whether or not we like who we see. Do consider your partner’s feelings — and the effect your decision might have on them.
But in the end, you must make the right decision for you. In some cases, the only person we can please is ourselves, the one we have the longest relationship with.
Whether you stay, go, or remain undecided, you’ve made a decision. Decisions can change at any time, and over time, people and circumstances can change, too. What seems impossible today may look different tomorrow.
Up next: The final blog in our series on relationship doubts explores long-term emotional wounds and whether they affect trust, intimacy, and relationship stability.
I wish you all the best.
She invites singles dating after 30 to join her on the journey to love, one that fosters self-acceptance and an awakening to the joys of life. Discover how dating with intent through expert advice and stories grounded in experience can help you find a match.
For more guidance on authenticity in relationships, watch Michelle’s latest YouTube videos
@MyJourneytoLove-y4e.
