How Our Relationship Personality Types and Temperament Shape Our Love Lives

• Share on Facebook
• Share on Bluesky
• Share on LinkedIn
• Share on Pinterest
• Share on Reddit
• Share on Pocket
• Share on Threads
• Share on Tumblr
• Share on WhatsApp
• Share on Telegram
• Share on X
• Print this Page
• Email this Page

Do relationship personality types matter more than love at first sight?

Think of the friend who wants to talk after a fight and the one who needs space. Or the date who plans every detail versus the one who wings it. Our personality — how we think, feel, and behave — and our temperament — how we react — guide our love maps and define how we view and express affection.

The more we understand temperament and personality, the more likely we are to show up as our true selves when we’re dating.

So, what are temperament and personality? And how do they differ?

Your temperament is part of your personality; it’s influenced by your genetics and brain chemistry. It reflects your emotional responses — how you’re energized, stressed, or soothed — and tends to stay relatively stable. Your personality builds on that base, and changes over time, molded by your environment and experiences. Our thought and behavior patterns further define our personality traits.

Here’s how they compare:

Feature	Temperament	Personality
Genetic role	Twin and adoption studies show that about 20 to 60 percent comes from genetics.	Studies of adult personality traits found about 40 to 60 percent are tied to genetics.
Onset	Seen early in life — even in infancy — and stays fairly consistent through childhood.	Traits emerge in childhood but keep changing through adolescence into adulthood.
In Different Settings	Stays consistent early on; linked to how our brains react to stress or excitement.	More flexible — traits like kindness or assertiveness can vary depending on the context.
Over Time	Studies show it stays mostly stable through childhood, but less so in adulthood.	Steadies with age — patterns often hold from adolescence through adulthood.
Capacity for Change	Tends to stick — brain chemistry and genetic factors limit rapid shifts, but allow for gradual changes.	More open to change: traits like conscientiousness and agreeableness can adapt with life experiences, habits, and self-awareness.

☑️ Example: A child with a cautious temperament might grow into a thoughtful, empathetic adult — or, if raised by judgmental parents, become anxious and withdrawn.

Biological Roots: Novelty vs. Security

Our basic temperaments can be extroverted, introverted, or a mix of both (ambiverted). Generally speaking, extroverts can crave stimulation, while introverts need downtime to recharge. Hormones and neurotransmitters like dopamine and oxytocin affect our temperaments, including how we act on dates and show love.

Imagine two people on a first date:

• George watches a chef tossing cherries jubilee, each flash of flame making his heart race.
• Jan smiles politely, then leans back, folding her hands in her lap. When the background music sounds too loud, she presses a finger to her temple to relax.

What sparked the thrill in George was the neurotransmitter dopamine. People born with more active dopamine pathways tend to savor variety and bring that energy into their relationships. Those with less dopamine, like Jan, often find more comfort in routine and quiet moments.

Studies of dopamine receptor genes (like DRD4) and traits like novelty seeking have found that people with higher dopamine levels can be more extroverted and open to new experiences than those with lower levels, who can be more introverted or cautious.

The Impact of Temperament on Romantic Relationship Personality Types

Research on the big five personality traits shows curiosity about new situations predicts happier relationships, especially when couples enjoy adventures together.

• “Explorer” Dates: As the reward centers in their brains fire, Explorers bond over shared adventures: roller coaster rides, pop‑up street fairs, or midnight taco runs.
• “Builder” Dates: Curling up on the couch with a stew or a sunset walk through the neighborhood gives them the same glow minus the adrenaline.

When an Explorer and a Builder pair up, sparks can fly or fizzle. If one craves surprises and the other seeks routine, they might wonder, “Why are we always doing the same thing?” or “Why can’t we try something new?” A thrill-seeker bored with routine might seek excitement outside the relationship.

Now picture this: After dessert, George and Jan take each other’s hands and lean in close. Oxytocin, the same hormone that helps parents soothe crying babies, surges in their brains, making them feel calm and secure.

Oxytocin isn’t just for lovers — it rises when you hug your dog or hold a newborn. It’s the brain’s built‑in safety signal, counterbalancing the daredevilry of dopamine.

How Temperament Models Open a Window to Our Personalities

Everything from the “four temperaments” theory to the concepts of highly-sensitive people and love languages tries to explain how we react and relate to others. They also give a broader view of our personality traits.

Developed in Western, cisgender, and straight cultures, these models might need to be adapted to suit other people and lifestyles.

1. The Four Temperaments: The ancient Greek medical theory of “humors” (bodily fluids) suggests one style shapes our actions:

• Sanguine: Sociable and enthusiastic, these people often seek new experiences in relationships.
• Choleric: Goal-oriented and assertive, taking charge in partnerships.
• Melancholic: Thoughtful and analytical, valuing deep emotional bonds.
• Phlegmatic: Calm and dependable, preferring peace and stability.​

Researchers now see the four temperaments theory as outdated and without a scientific basis. Still, it hints at why some partners chase excitement while others settle for routine: thrill-seekers often fit sanguine or choleric patterns, and lower-dopamine types can favor melancholic and phlegmatic habits.

Based on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), David Keirsey adapted the four temperaments to modern personality types with his Keirsey Temperament Sorter:

• Artisan (SP): Adaptable and spontaneous, seeking excitement and variety.
• Guardian (SJ): Responsible and organized, valuing tradition and stability.
• Idealist (NF): Empathetic and idealistic, striving for meaningful connections.
• Rational (NT): Analytical and strategic, focusing on competence and knowledge.

2. Highly Sensitive People (HSPs): In her 1996 book “The Highly Sensitive Person,” Dr. Elaine Aron introduced the concept of Highly Sensitive People (HSPs). HSPs comprise 15 to 20 percent of people, and as many as 70 percent are introverts, while 30 percent are extroverts. Further, about one-third of love relationships involve a highly sensitive person.

As Dr. Aron wrote, “…too many to be a disorder, but not enough to be well understood by the majority of those around you….HSPs have nervous systems that pick up more on subtleties in the world and reflect on them deeply.”

She sums up their traits with the acronym DOES:

• Depth of processing
• Overstimulation
• Emotional responsiveness/Empathy
• Sensitivity to subtleties

HSPs can demand more depth in their relationships to be satisfied, but also worry more about conflicts or flaws. All empaths are HSPs, but not all HSPs are empaths. They have sharper senses, but carefully filter information. They also naturally reflect and analyze, leading to strong intuition — understanding situations and outcomes without knowing how.

This sensitivity helps them pinpoint non-verbal cues from animals, infants, the ill, and non-native speakers. HSPs also get more pleasure from the arts and their inner lives.

HSPs can be labeled “shy,” “introverted,” or “fearful.” What we see as shyness in them is overstimulation; they’re slow to “warm up” or adjust to their surroundings. Though people with autism or Asperger’s can be HSPs, highly sensitive people aren’t on the autism spectrum.

The HSP and Love

Dr. Aron suggests ideal dates for HSPs are nature walks and art museums.

HSPs raised with a secure attachment style have an even temperament. HSPs with “differential susceptibility” faced tough childhoods and can be more prone to experiencing troubled relationships.

“We are more easily made depressed or anxious due to traumas, processing those more deeply too. As a consequence, we may feel less hope and greater insecurity than those who do not reflect on experiences as thoroughly” (“The Highly Sensitive Person in Love” by Elaine Aron). HSPs often pair with a less sensitive partner, like Dr. Aron did, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they lack sensitivity or are incompatible.

For highly sensitive people, love maps can be more deeply ingrained. Their heightened emotional responsiveness means positive and negative relationship experiences leave stronger imprints. A fleeting rejection might echo for years, while moments of deep connection can feel life-changing.

This Good Life Podcast featuring author Jenn Granneman and host Jonathan Fields delivers helpful advice about sensitivity and how HSPs can use it to their advantage. Among the issues covered are how a sensitive person with a non-HSP partner can resolve relationship challenges.

Try Dr. Aron’s Highly Sensitive Test.

My result was a “5”; “An average score of greater than 5 indicates a tendency towards high sensitivity.” I might not be a true HSP, but I’m keenly aware of noise and others’ emotions. In my dating journey, I could lean into my ability to empathize with others and my sensitivity to my environment.

3. Love Styles and Languages: In 1973, psychologist John Lee introduced his “color wheel” theory: six love styles that explore our emotional tone and why we love the way we do:

In the 1980s, Clyde and Susan Hendrick of Texas Tech University expanded on this theory through their Love Attitudes Scale (LAS); they found that male students leaned toward the Ludus style, while female students were more Storgic and Pragmatic.

As people age, they generally move from Ludus (game-playing love) to Storge (friendship-based) and Pragma (practical), preferring stable, long-term relationships over more casual connections.

Their studies also suggested ethnic differences in love styles. For instance, Hispanic subjects appeared to score higher on Ludus than non-Hispanics.

A 2007 study found a possible genetic link to love styles. They discovered the Eros (passionate love) style was more common in people with a DRD2 gene variant, which affects dopamine levels. This allele has been tied to a higher risk for obesity and alcoholism but lower levels of anxiety and delinquency.

This genetic variation might make actions feel less rewarding, so people repeat them to feel satisfied. The Mania style, marked by jealousy and possessiveness, was more closely tied to serotonin levels.

What’s your love style? Take these love style tests based on the LAS:

• Psycho Tests: Love Attitudes Scale
• The Hitostat Love Styles Test

Love Languages

In his 1992 book “The Five Love Languages,” Dr. Gary Chapman defined ways people give and receive love:

• Words of Affirmation
• Acts of Service
• Receiving Gifts
• Quality Time
• Physical Touch

When partners speak different languages, they can feel misunderstood. Widely adopted in relationship psychology, the theory has been criticized for its simplicity and lack of scientific proof. The original book was written with a heteronormative, conservative Christian perspective, focusing on white, monogamous couples and traditional gender roles.

Some studies have found that couples with matching love languages aren’t more satisfied than those with mismatched ones.

Impett et al. note that some studies link high relationship satisfaction with great respect for autonomy and personal goals outside of the relationship. The research suggests strictly following love languages won’t serve you well over time, mostly because we love in more than one way. They can, however, suit situations like when a partner does the dishes for you after a stressful day.

The researchers instead believe people should “make sure they have a nutritionally balanced relationship.”

Another study found that partners with matching love languages experienced greater relationship and sexual satisfaction than partners with mismatched styles. It also revealed that the love languages of men who reported greater empathy and perspective-taking aligned better with their partners’.

Other studies found that knowing your partner’s primary love language predicted relationship satisfaction.

Take the Love Language Quiz.

🩸 Cultural Note: Blood Type and Temperament in East Asia

In countries like Japan and South Korea, people see blood type as a personality indicator. This idea, known as ketsueki-gata, is that your blood type influences how you think, feel, and relate to others.

For example, a Type A is seen as dependable, but anxious. Type B is thought to be passionate and unpredictable. The interpretations differ slightly by sex. Some types are considered more compatible with others.

Based on the four temperaments, this philosophy began after the discovery of the ABO blood group system in 1901, when Japanese researchers studied links between blood types and personality. Instead of four groups, they theorized temperament could be classified into two: physiological and psychological.

By the 1970s, best-selling books on the topic popularized this belief in Japan. In the mid-1980s, it spread to other countries like Taiwan and South Korea.

Though there’s no scientific support for this theory, which was initially based on survey results, it’s embedded in pop culture and still appears in East Asian dating profiles.

Key Personality Tests and What They Show

Personality tests can offer insights into ourselves, helping us determine which hobbies, career fields, or even romantic partners can be ideal. For instance, people often list their Myers-Briggs Type Indicator® (MBTI) on their dating profiles. The MBTI and the Enneagram are among the most popular personality systems.

These tools also help you define your relationship patterns — especially the ones you display when you’re being yourself. They also help you explore traits you feel most comfortable revealing.

What is the MBTI?

The MBTI is a self-reported personality test that sorts people into 16 types based on four preference scales. These four preferences combine to form your type. Each letter represents one preference in a pair. For example:

• E or I = Extraversion or Introversion
• S or N = Sensing or Intuition
• T or F = Thinking or Feeling
• J or P = Judging or Perceiving

So, someone with preferences for Extraversion, Sensing, Feeling, and Judging would be labeled ESFJ. A person who favors Introversion, Intuition, Thinking, and Perceiving is INTP.

Based on Carl Jung’s ideas, it helps us understand our personalities, communication, and decision-making styles.

Critics say it doesn’t reliably predict behavior or outcomes, and its either/or categories oversimplify complex personalities. Users have also reported they received different results on retests, questioning the test’s accuracy.​

The MBTI and Its Influence on Relationship Compatibility

Do our dating patterns stem from our attachment styles, our personalities, or a mix of both?

Some MBTI types fit neatly, but not always perfectly, into certain categories of attachment styles. For example, an introverted and feeling INFJ might withdraw when overwhelmed, showing avoidant behavior, while an extroverted, sensation-seeking ESFP might crave excitement.

MBTI Personality Compatibility Charts

In the 1990s and 2000s, self-help books and online relationship forums popularized MBTI personality compatibility charts based on personal experiences rather than scientific research.

Some compatibility charts borrow from Jung’s concept of cognitive function pairs, arguing that people with matching ones (like Fe vs. Fi) might be more compatible. Others claim that opposites (Judging with Perceiving) or shared traits (like two Intuitive types) create balance in relationships.

MBTI Personality Compatibility Results

David Keirsey’s four temperaments inspired MBTI personality compatibility pairings and suggested people with complementary ones might match.

Recent studies on MBTI and the compatibility of relationship personality types have yielded mixed results. Some research suggests certain combinations could experience greater relationship satisfaction:

• One study found that couples with similar sensing/judging (SJ) or intuition/feeling (NF) traits reported over 70 percent compatibility.
• NF types reported 73 percent satisfaction with fellow NFs and 64 percent satisfaction with NT (intuition/thinking) types.

But some similarities don’t always predict success:

• STP types (ISTP and ESTP) shared only 33 percent satisfaction.
• NT types (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ) shared a 59 percent satisfaction rate.

Online MBTI Tests

👉 Disclaimer: Online tests might not be as accurate as an assessment taken with a certified MBTI practitioner who can provide personalized feedback. Also, many free online tests that claim to be MBTI might not be reliable or scientifically validated.

• The Official MBTI® test ($49)
• This free Truity test is based on Myers and Briggs’ theory.
• IDR Labs’ free 44-question test resembles the MBTI test, the Jung Type Indicator, and other assessments.
• Free Personality Junkie test (requires email)
• Free Jung Typology personality test (64 questions)

My IDR Labs test results show I’m an ISFJ: Introvert, Sensing, Feeling, Judging (“Dependable, considerate, and loyal to those closest to you, you have a firm grasp of the factual realities that lie before you as well as an eye for detail, each of which make you naturally gravitate towards others and their emotional needs.”)

My Jung Typology test revealed I’m an INFJ: Introvert, iNtuitive, Feeling, Judging with slight preferences for Introversion, Intuition, Feeling, and Judging. I wasn’t surprised, as over the past few decades, my results have usually been INFJ, ISFJ, or INFP.

The Enneagram: The Nine Types and Compatibility Myths

The Enneagram sorts people into nine types, each with unique motivations, fears, and behavioral patterns. It’s based on the idea that people have an innate personality that shapes how they view themselves and the world.

A nine-point circle shows how each of the types connect. The early 1900s mystic and philosopher George Gurdjieff introduced the symbol, but not as a personality tool. From the 1950s to 70s, Óscar Ichazo and later Claudio Naranjo expanded the Enneagram, linking it to psychological traits.

Enneagram Personality Compatibility Theories

As authors like Don Riso and Russ Hudson introduced its use as a tool for self-discovery, in the 1980s to 1990s, Enneagram compatibility theories emerged.

By the 2000s, self-help books and coaches popularized relationship compatibility charts, often based on claims that certain types balance or challenge each other (like a Type 2 Helper and a Type 8 Challenger). Personal growth, communication, and emotional intelligence can determine relationship success more than type pairings.

A 2015 study found that people with at least one securely attached partner reported greater happiness, while Enneagram type pairings had no major effect.

Other research shows certain combinations occur more often than chance, like female 8s marrying male 9s. Same-type marriages were rare, except for double-type 4 unions. Men and women often choose different types for partners, with common pairings like male 9s and female 4s.

People were more likely to marry types they tend to grow toward (like 7s with 1s or 3s with 6s), and less likely to marry the same type. They didn’t prefer types near their own.

Some experts emphasize any two types can work well together if they’re self-aware and committed to personal development.

Enneagram Tests

👉 Disclaimer: These free tests can be helpful starting points. They might not be as comprehensive as paid options or expert guidance. And self-reflection and studying can be valuable in finding your true type.

• Personality Path (supposed to take 12 minutes)
• Truity (requires entering email address for results — 100 questions on a Likert scale)

My test results showed I’m a Type 1 (Improver): “Ones are idealistic, conscientious, and have a lot of integrity. At their core, they are defined by their perceptions of right and wrong, and their commitment to doing things ‘right.'” They’re also conscientious, self-disciplined, and often hold high standards.

And don’t tell me “one” is the loneliest number, but it does seem apt. 🙂 Integrity is important to me. I’m into self-improvement, not “fixing” others, who often must learn from their mistakes.

How Relationship Personality Types Shape Dating Habits

Introvert vs. Extrovert Loops

Introverts can repeat patterns of isolation — pulling away when relationships require more energy. Extroverts might keep busy in social settings instead of focusing on deeper connections.

In online dating, novelty‑seekers can flourish when there’s always a new match to spark dopamine, while introverts might struggle with ghosting or burnout. In collectivist cultures, like those in Asia, “ketsueki‑gata” blood‑types could still guide early dating profile choices while Westerners might prefer the MBTI.

Thinkers vs. Feelers (MBTI)

• Thinkers (T types) might struggle to show emotion, sending mixed signals.
• Feelers (F types) can over-prioritize harmony, falling into people-pleasing or co-dependency.

HSPs and Empaths: Over-giving → Burnout

Though MBTI isn’t directly linked to HSP research, certain types, especially those high in Introversion (I), Intuition (N), and Feeling (F), align with HSP traits described in “Gifts Differing” by Isabel Briggs Myers (1980).

Research and theories have linked NF (Intuitive-Feeling) types to heightened emotional awareness. People in online discussion forums, including those in HSP communities, who describe themselves as INFJ, INFP, ISFJ, and ISFP types, sometimes identify as HSPs.

They’re likely to absorb their partner’s emotions, repeating cycles of over-giving or burnout. They might also be drawn to emotionally intense relationships, even when they’re unhealthy.

HSPs who feel deeply can struggle with self-love because they absorb others’ emotions, making them more prone to people-pleasing or self-neglect.

☑️ Example: An empath might prioritize soothing a partner’s pain over their own well-being, mistaking that for love.

Emotional Patterns in the Enneagram (and Beyond)

Though not all INFJs, INFPs, or Enneagram Types like 4, 6, 8, or 9 are HSPs, many of them describe high sensitivity: emotional depth, introspection, and greater awareness. HSPs tend to share traits with Intuitive-Feeling MBTI types and emotionally attuned Enneagram types. But sensitivity can manifest differently in all relationship personality types.

The Enneagram Institute (Don Riso and Russ Hudson) notes that Types 4, 6, and 9 often show strong emotional sensitivity and empathy:

• Type 4s (The Individualist) can stay stuck longing for unavailable partners.
• Type 6s (The Loyalist) can be hyper-aware and cling to relationships out of fear of abandonment.
• Type 9s (The Peacemaker) might avoid conflict, leading to cycles of passivity.

And while some types like Threes or Sevens avoid deep emotional engagement, others — like Eights and Nines — are often highly sensitive or empathic.

Studies on neuroticism, sensitivity, and introversion also show HSP traits and certain MBTI/Enneagram types overlap, though no formal research links them.

Attachment Styles ↔ Relationship Personality Types

Connections between MBTI types and attachment styles are complex. Some MBTI types tend toward certain attachment behaviors. For instance, INFJs can show avoidance under stress, while ESFPs or ESTPs — often spontaneous and high-energy — might reveal anxious or disorganized attachment. This is more anecdotal than scientifically based.

Research into MBTI and attachment styles is limited, partly because MBTI’s scientific validity has been debated. Beyond the introvert-extrovert axis, it can help explain your behavior patterns in relationships.

☑️ Example: Joanna is an INTJ. Despite her strategic and independent nature, she often overthinks her partner’s silence, a sign of anxious attachment.

Bridging Personality Types and Relationship Trauma

Our personality influences how we carry and respond to trauma. For instance, intuitive types can overanalyze and replay past hurts. Meanwhile, thinkers might hide emotional pain, appearing detached, but reinforcing avoidant attachment patterns. Knowing your personality can reveal how your coping mechanisms mesh with your wounds — and where you can start to heal.

But it’s easy to use your “type” as an excuse and fall into patterns of self-sabotaging beliefs or accepting toxic behavior. You might think, “I’m just an anxious type” or “They’re an avoidant type, they can’t help it.” Awareness opens us up to the truth.

What Personality and Temperament Ultimately Reveal

Our personalities and temperaments influence how we experience love, but they don’t have to dictate our futures, nor do we need to use labels to define us. Knowing ourselves and our types helps us learn more about ourselves, including who we’re compatible with and the traits to emphasize to date authentically.

What have you learned about your personality and temperament? Which traits will you use as your “superpowers” in authentic dating? Please share in the comments.

👉 Next: we’ll examine the external influences on our love maps.

Does your personality type influence how you date? To see if you’re showing up as yourself, take the “Am I Dating in Disguise?” Test.